Michael Price Blog

I'm that smart-aleck, spoiled brat…that you can't do one goddamn thing about!

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June 16, 2014

DOG DINERS

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PARK

   As you may know, I live in a well-to-do neighborhood of Poe (the rap name for Baltimore) called Canton…whose restaurants now permit patrons, when dining outdoors, to bring their pet DOGS with them!! Now these are, of course, YUPPIE dogs…so they’re highly-bred and properly-schooled (they never make direct eye contact), but THEY ARE DOGS!! You’re having DINNER WITH DOGS!! So here’s what my humble SELF would like to do: I would like to head on over to the other side of Patterson Park (where lies a poor neighborhood named Highlandtown), grab some STRAY MUTT, file its TEETH till they resemble those of a KILLER SHARK, use lifelike mannequins to train it to ATTACK anybody who is sitting in a chair before a plate of FOOD, STARVE it, PISS on it, roll it around in its own moistened MANURE, roll it around in a COW’s moistened MANURE, give it WORMS, DRAMATICALLY increase its FLEA and TICK populations, put it on the LONGEST LEASH money can buy, and head STRAIGHT to Annabel Lee!!!   

    Now, of course, I know better than to try and get away with something like that. Just like if I lived in the black section of Highlandtown, and I had me a black dog in the backyard…I couldn’t swing open the basement door and (after it finished “dining”) yell: “GET YOUR ASS IN HERE, YOU BLACK BASTARD!!!”!

April 22, 2014

How I Won the FACEBOOK FACE-OFF

For those of you who forgot, here (briefly) is how I got myself banned (forever!) from Facebook: There is an old actress. Her name is Valerie Harper. She came barreling out of has-been obscurity in order to announce that she was about to, from brain cancer, die. Big headlines. Five minutes later she’s DANCING with the STARS!!! TWO minutes later I’m on Facebook calling her a “Hollywood WHORE” and a “piece of SHOWBIZ SHIT”. Then I launched a campaign, called “Die! Die! My Darling!”, to have my fans pressure her into redemptively dying on the dance floor! Which made Mark Zuckerberg REAL MAD at ME…because he had a sweetheart DEAL with ABC! ONE minute later, I’m the only person in Facebook history to be banned for LIFE!!!…even as the LIFE of VALERIE HARPER goes ON and ON and ON!!!                                                                And NOW there’s a headline-grabbing quote, where she states “I’m CANCER-FREE!”!!! And NOW she, in the Hallmark Channel’s “Signed, Sealed, and Delivered”, is even DANCING AROUND AGAIN!!! And what THAT means is that she DID IT!! She actually CONNED her way BACK into STARDOM!!! JUST like I SAID she was DOING!!!                                                                                                                    Now, in lieu of an apology (from Zuckerberg), I would rather he stick his social network up his antisocial ass!…for I actually LIKE my current FACEBOOK STATUS!!!!shutterstock_134213489

April 2, 2014

CRYBABY CONSERVATIVES or: There’s NO Trash Like WHITE Trash

Blue-collar, working-class conservatives are always sniveling that their taxes are too high…when the real problem is that their incomes are too low!                                    So why should any American citizen (or, for that matter, undocumented immigrant) who benefits from any of our federal government‘s social programs (any one of which might, if taxes were cut back, suffer a consequent cutback) have to do without…just because a bunch of goddamn right-wing UNDERACHIEVERS are too goddamn fuckin’ DUMB to get jobs that provide even enough take-home pay to cover the “lifestyle” of a nose-pickin’ TEA PARTIER!!                                                                                                    In fact: if you were lucky enough to have been born (in our multi-bigoted country) a WHITE MALE, and (by at least your 30th birthday) you’re not making at least $300,000 a year…then it can only be because you are a do-nothing, good-for-nothing, lazy WHITE NIGGER!!! 

March 16, 2014

Are You STILL a Sucker for the Breast-Milk MAFIA?

You would think that I, having been bottle-fed, would be delighted over recent reports that breast milk isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. But I’ve been delightfully outwitting rack-fed crackpots ever since I finished off my final baby bottle…and headed off to nursery school!                                                                                                    When a mother breast-feeds her baby, as NBC booboholic Dr. Nancy Snyderman points out, there’s a drug called oxytocin that makes her little suckling feel all “warm and wonderful” inside. So let’s see: if it’s a boy, her little SUCKER (feelin’ oh-so “warm and wonderful” inside) will wind up prancing to, for his very first day of, junior high school…where the bottle-fed boys will be waiting to bully, and beat the livin’ crap outta, her little pointy-headed PANSY (whilst I, of course, totally cheer them on!)!!    Now in 1979, only about 13 percent of new mothers were breast-feeders. Today, after the American Academy of Pediatrics’ enormous propaganda campaign, that figure has jumped to 76.5 percent! And get a titload of this: these American, academic, pediatric FRAUDS kept crying wolf over the ‘critical’ risks, to bottle-fed babies, of ASTHMA, CHILDHOOD LEUKEMIA, DIABETES, EAR INFECTIONS, ECZEMA, GASTROINTESTINAL INFECTIONS, SUDDEN INFANT DEATH SYNDROME…the list goes on and on and on! And the only thing that the AAP managed to do was to turn virtually an ENTIRE GENERATION into Johnny-can’t–read, emotionally-stunted MOMMA’S BOYS!!!                                                                                            So here’s where I stand: bottle-feeding opens newborn babies up to the limitless potential of modern science. And I’ll take science over nature ANYday. And if I’m wrong about that, then how come I’m still intellectually bullying you all-natural NEANDERTHALS…and there still doesn’t seem to be one goddamn thing that ANY of you can do about it!!!

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